


Baby you're just like me

by Jaemins_smile



Series: Trans Yangyang [2]
Category: NCT (Band)
Genre: Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Chittaphon Leechaiyapornkul | Ten is Whipped, Depression, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, M/M, Self-Esteem Issues, Suicidal Thoughts, Trans Male Character, Trans Mark Lee (NCT)
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-03-25
Updated: 2020-03-25
Packaged: 2021-02-28 20:34:52
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,971
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23293336
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Jaemins_smile/pseuds/Jaemins_smile
Summary: Yangyang struggles a lot with his self esteem and self worth and often questions if he should be alive stillLuckily he has Ten by his side to help him through those time
Relationships: Chittaphon Leechaiyapornkul | Ten/Liu Yang Yang, Liu Yang Yang/Everyone
Series: Trans Yangyang [2]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1662838
Comments: 2
Kudos: 55





	Baby you're just like me

**Author's Note:**

> Trigger warning! Self harm, lots of talk about being trans. Pls don't read if that makes you uncomfortable or anything.
> 
> Read at your own risk.
> 
> From this point on i am no longer responsible for you getting triggered, upset, uncomfortable etc. I have warned you and you will be reading on your own free will so please don't cry t me if something happens

It wasn't a secret to any of his boyfriends what Yangyang was going through or what was going on in his head on a day to day basis. 

They all knew he suffered from severe depression, how could they not? He went to therapy to help him with it every weekend and every Wednesday, he took medications for it as well. Not only that but Yangyang was very open about that aspect of his mental health and would always try to reach out for help when it was swallowing him whole. 

But he also had a different type of depression, one that stemmed deeper within his mind and mental state.  
One that came with being the type of person Yangyang is. 

Most of the time he would be okay and wouldn't really be affected by his dysphoria, his boyfriends made him feel validated and like he was no different from them. 

But there's also times where it got the better of him and clouded his judgment and led him to make very poor decisions that would remain with him for the rest of his life. 

It was manageable most times almost times cause as already stated, he had amazing boyfriends and he was in a comfortable environment that made him feel safe. 

But sometimes they would say something that would trigger Yangyang and send him spiraling down a pit of depression, dysphoria, and suicidal tendencies. He knew they didn't do it on purpose, not ever, but they knew he was sensitive when I came to him being trans and having different genitals than the rest of them. 

Yangyang was never comfortable talking about his intimate parts, or about his top surgery. When he finally got the procedure done he had shut himself away from everyone (except Ten) until he had fully healed. 

He hated when people brought up his photos from before he was out as trans or anything that had to do with his physical appearance before he came out when he was sixteen. 

He hated any talk about his hormones and about sometimes not being able to get them cause he was broke half the time and so were his boyfriends so they couldn't help with that.

He also hated the word tranny, it might sound stupid to some people but he absolutely hated being called a tranny, especially if it was by someone other than himself, he claimed that he didn't mind it but he fucking HATED it, with a burning passion. 

Anyways, back to the present and what Yangyang is currently dealing with. This time it wasn't cause of his boyfriends or just his own thoughts. 

Someone at his work had deliberate misgendered him, called him a "fake tranny" and made him feel like the scum of the earth, like absolute shit, it made him want to die.

That's why he's standing in front of the mirror in his bedroom crying his eyes out as he looks at his disgusting body. 

The disgusting pink scars on his sides, the tiny scars on his thighs from injecting his hormones, the disgusting flat of his private parts. 

Was it really that obvious he was trans? Sure his voice hadn't deepened much yet, he had only been taking testosterone for a month or so, that was normal right? 

And he did still look pretty feminine... He wasn't trying hard enough was he?

He wasn't trying hard enough to appear male. Was it cause of the pretty makeup he did? Was his hair to long? Did he dress too feminine? Did he even look remotely close to male? 

His whole thought process was making him sick, he needed to relax, this was okay, he would be okay, he just needed to go handle this how he normally would. 

He pulled his clothes back on and headed out of his room to the bathroom. And Ten had to be right fucking in front of his bedroom about to come in. Fucking fabulous. 

"Yangyang! Glad I caught yo- baby are you crying?" He asked softly, cutting off what he was originally saying. 

Yangyang shook his head quickly and wipped away the tears rolling down his cheeks, "No! Mind your own business." He yelled and pushed past Ten to the bathroom. 

"Liu Yangyang!" Ten yelled after him, he ignored him of course, he didn't want to talk about this to Ten or anyone else, he just wanted to be left alone. 

\--- 

Ten stomped into the living room where his other boyfriends were, practically emitting steam from how angry he was, "Did one of you say something to Yangyang again?" 

They all shared a confused look and shook their heads, "No, we haven't talked to him since he left for work. Why, is something wrong?" Kun asked, worry flashing in his eyes at the thought of something being wrong with his baby. 

"Yeah, he's being angry and ignoring me. What the fuck happened?" 

It wasn't like Yangyang to ignore Ten of all people, he had the most trust in Ten, having known him the longest, he would also go to Ten first when he had a problem, he didn't keep anything from Ten. 

"That's weird.. Something happened at work I guess." Lucas said. 

"Yeah, he was crying too. Did he seem like something was wrong when he left?" Ten was increasingly getting more and more worried. 

"No, he was really happy this morning, why don't you go talk to him, Ten." Sicheg said gesturing for him to leave and go talk to the youngest. 

Ten nodded and headed to the bathroom. 

He started panicking when he heard crying and someone talking on speaker phone to him. What the fuck was going on? Was that Mark on the phone, why was he talking to Mark? 

"Mark, c-can we meet up later please? I-I want to talk in person." Yangyang sobbed. 

"Of course Yangyang, meet me at Taeil's cafe at seven okay? Don't do anything I wouldn't do okay?" Mark said laughing softly to lighten the mood. 

"Okay.. thank you Mark." He said quietly and hung up the phone. The bathroom was silent for a beat longer than Ten liked and then rushing water was heard, he was drawing himself a bath. 

"Yangyang? Baby, can I come in please." 

"No! I don't want to talk to you." He yelled back. 

So it was something Ten did then? Or was Yangyang just not in the mood?? 

"Yangie what's wrong baby boy? Talk to me please, I want to help but you know I can't do that unless you talk to me." He tried to reason. 

Ten thought he got through to him when the bathroom was silent, save for the still running water. "I don't want to talk about it, especially not with you, you wouldn't fucking understand, so fuck off and leave me alone!" Yangyang yelled at the top his lungs, sounding as if he was about to cry again.

Ten didn't want to admit it but it pissed him off the way Yangyang was being right now, he knew the boy was hurting and was going through something but there was a much better way to handle this 

"Fucking fine Yangyang, be a brat." If Yangyang wanted to be rude, Ten was going to do the exact same thing. 

Yangyang curled in on himself and laid his head on his knees, his chest heaving with his sobs, he hated himself so much. 

An hour passed before Yangyang was calm enough to leave the bathroom. 

He watched with a emotionless face as the red tinted liquid was desposed down the drain, erasing all evidence of what he had done. 

He slipped back into the hoodie he was originally wearing and left the bathroom, he earned a few weird looks from his boyfriends as he walked to his room. 

It was understandable, he looked like absolute shit, he'd yelled at Ten, the person he trusted more than anyone, and he'd locked himself in the bathroom for an hour. 

"Yanyang? Baby are you okay?" Kun asked softly. 

Yangyang shrugged in response and ran the rest of the way to his room, slamming the door shut and locking it. He had to get ready to meet with Mark. 

Most of his meet up with Mark was just him crying and babbling incoherent nonsense, Mark was patient with him though. Taeil was there as well, he even closed up early so he could be there for his young friend. 

He was thankful that they were both there for him and were patient with him while he had his miniature breakdown. 

He arrived back home with puffy red eyes, tear tracks still present on his red cheeks. He wasn't crying anymore but he was still sniffling and shaking slightly. 

Yangyang wasn't expecting all of his boyfriends to be sitting in the living room, talking about him. "Why are you talking about me?" Is what he wanted to ask but he felt a bit betrayed that they were talking behind his back, so instead he quickly walked through the entrance of their home and made a beeline to his room. 

"Yangyang! Wait!" It was Ten again. He caught Yanyang by the wrist and pulled him into his arms, hugging him tight. 

"Baby, I know you're hurting, baby boy please, please talk to me. It hurts my heart to see you like this, I want to help you through this." He said softly and kissed Yangyang's forehead. 

It made Yangyang breakdown in a fresh batch of tears, "I feel disgusting Ten." He sobbed loudly, everyone else in the house probably hearing him 

Ten pushed him backwards into his bedroom and to the bed. "Talk to me baby, what's going on in there?" He tapped the youngers forehead, making him laugh slightly. 

"S-someone at work, purposely misgendered me, a-and it made me feel so bad. Ten, I feel so disgusting and wrong and invalid. She made me look like an idiot infront of everyone, including our customers. She s-said I wasn't normal and that I wasn't a guy. And I've felt so bad since then, God Ten, I want to die." He sobbed, his small body shaking in the older mans arms 

"Oh love, don't ever let someone make you feel that way. You are a guy, you always have been, you are just as valid as me, Kun, Hendery, or any other man out there, okay? Baby, you're just like me, understand me? Don't feel disgusting, there is nothing to feel disgusting about." Ten's voice was soft and calming as he spoke in Yangyang's ear. 

He ran his fingers through Yangyang's hair, calming him even further. His words settled the anxiety and pain the boy had been feeling all day, and he might just believe Ten. 

He really was just like Ten and everyone else, just because he had different parts and a different past than everyone else didn't mean anything. 

"Thank you." He said quietly and leaned up to kiss Ten, his best friend, his rock, his lifeline. 

"Baby boy there is nothing you need to thank me for at all, I'm just telling it how it is." He chuckled and kissed Yangyang's lips once more. 

"Get some rest baby, you need it, I know you're exhausted from crying." Ten said hugging him tight to his chest and rubbing his back, he knew it helped Yangyang sleep, it always has, and he loved when Ten did it for him, even before they were together. 

Yangyang hummed in acknowledgement and closed his eyes to sleep 

From now on he wouldn't hide these things from Ten, or any of the other guys, he would be more open and talk about them more, talking about his problem with Ten and Mark helped a lot, it was better to talk about things than keep them bottled up.

**Author's Note:**

> I kinda took over this series from Nate?? Oops? But like he gave it to me so... But uh yeah anyways! Hope you liked it! 
> 
> Also, I might be throwing out a lot of fics in the coming weeks(maybe) cause I'm currently really sick and on bed rest so I can't do much but write.


End file.
